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Friday Funnies
Box Donation
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
> his priest,
> 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
>
> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
>
> The Irishman said,
> 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
> then I stopped.'
>
> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
> putting it in.
> You're not to see that woman again. For your
> penance, say five Hail
> Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
>
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
> then walked
> over to the poor box.
>
> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>
> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
> saying, 'I saw
> that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
>
> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
> the box, and
> according to you, that's the same as putting it
> in!'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Lemon Squeeze
>
> There once was a religious young woman who went to
> Confession. Upon
> entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
> Father, for I have
> sinned.'
>
> The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
> forgiven.'
>
> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
> made mad, passionate
> love to me seven times.'
>
> The priest thought long and hard and then said,
> 'Squeeze seven lemons
> into a glass and then drink the juice.'
>
> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of
> my sins?'
>
> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
> off of your face.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Looks of
> Disappointment
>
> A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery,
> and his wife
> was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he
> said, 'You're
> beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
>
> His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed
> by his
> side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
> said, 'You're
> cute.' The wife was disappointed
> because instead of 'beautiful,' it
> was now 'cute.'
>
> She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
>
> The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing
> off.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Catholic Dog
>
> Muldoon lived alone in
> the Irish countryside with only a pet
> dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
> the parish
> priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
> Could ya' be saying' a mass
> for the poor creature?'
>
> Father Patrick
> replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
> services for an animal in the church. But there are some
> Baptists down
> the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
> Maybe they'll do
> something for the creature.'
>
> Muldoon said,
> 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
> is enough to donate to them for the service?'
>
> Father Patrick
> exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
> didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Donation
>
> Father O'Malley
> answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father
> O'Malley?'
>
> 'It
> is!'
>
> 'This is the IRS.
> Can you help us?'
>
> 'I can!'
>
> 'Do you know a Ted
> Houlihan?'
>
> 'I do!'
>
> 'Is he a member of
> your congregation?'
>
> 'He is!'
>
> 'Did he donate
> $10,000 to the church?'
>
> 'He will.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Confession
>
> An elderly man walks
> into a confessional. The following
> conversation ensues:
>
> Man: 'I am 92
> years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
> many children, grandchildren, and
> great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
> picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a
> motel, where I
> had sex with each of them three times.'
>
> Priest: 'Are you
> sorry for your sins?'
>
> Man: 'What
> sins?'
>
> Priest: 'What kind
> of a Catholic are you?'
>
> Man: 'I'm
> Jewish.'
>
> Priest: 'Why are
> you telling me all this?'
>
> Man: 'I'm 92
> years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Brothel Trip
>
> An elderly man goes
> into a brothel and tells the madam he
> would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks
> at the
> ancient
> man and asks how old he is.
>
> 'I'm 90 years
> old,' he says.
>
> '90!' replies
> the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
> it?'
>
> 'Oh, sorry,'
> says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Senility
>
> An elderly man went to
> his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
> getting senile. Several times lately, I have
> forgotten to zip up.'
>
> 'That's not
> senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when
> you
> forget to zip down.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Pest Control
>
>
> A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
> from
> a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on
> in the
> bedroom together when her husband arrived home
> unexpectedly.
>
> 'Quick,' said
> the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and
> she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
>
> The husband, however,
> became suspicious and after a search of
> the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
>
> 'Who are you?'
> he asked him.
>
> 'I'm an
> inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
>
> 'What are you
> doing in there?' the husband asked.
>
> 'I'm
> investigating a complaint about an infestation of
> moths,'
> the man replied.
>
> 'And where are
> your
> clothes?' asked the husband.
>
> The man looked down at
> himself and said, 'Those little
> bastards!'
>
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
> his priest,
> 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
>
> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
>
> The Irishman said,
> 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
> then I stopped.'
>
> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
> putting it in.
> You're not to see that woman again. For your
> penance, say five Hail
> Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
>
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
> then walked
> over to the poor box.
>
> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>
> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
> saying, 'I saw
> that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
>
> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
> the box, and
> according to you, that's the same as putting it
> in!'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Lemon Squeeze
>
> There once was a religious young woman who went to
> Confession. Upon
> entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
> Father, for I have
> sinned.'
>
> The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
> forgiven.'
>
> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
> made mad, passionate
> love to me seven times.'
>
> The priest thought long and hard and then said,
> 'Squeeze seven lemons
> into a glass and then drink the juice.'
>
> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of
> my sins?'
>
> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
> off of your face.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Looks of
> Disappointment
>
> A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery,
> and his wife
> was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he
> said, 'You're
> beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
>
> His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed
> by his
> side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
> said, 'You're
> cute.' The wife was disappointed
> because instead of 'beautiful,' it
> was now 'cute.'
>
> She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
>
> The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing
> off.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Catholic Dog
>
> Muldoon lived alone in
> the Irish countryside with only a pet
> dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
> the parish
> priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
> Could ya' be saying' a mass
> for the poor creature?'
>
> Father Patrick
> replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
> services for an animal in the church. But there are some
> Baptists down
> the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
> Maybe they'll do
> something for the creature.'
>
> Muldoon said,
> 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
> is enough to donate to them for the service?'
>
> Father Patrick
> exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
> didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Donation
>
> Father O'Malley
> answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father
> O'Malley?'
>
> 'It
> is!'
>
> 'This is the IRS.
> Can you help us?'
>
> 'I can!'
>
> 'Do you know a Ted
> Houlihan?'
>
> 'I do!'
>
> 'Is he a member of
> your congregation?'
>
> 'He is!'
>
> 'Did he donate
> $10,000 to the church?'
>
> 'He will.'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Confession
>
> An elderly man walks
> into a confessional. The following
> conversation ensues:
>
> Man: 'I am 92
> years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
> many children, grandchildren, and
> great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
> picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a
> motel, where I
> had sex with each of them three times.'
>
> Priest: 'Are you
> sorry for your sins?'
>
> Man: 'What
> sins?'
>
> Priest: 'What kind
> of a Catholic are you?'
>
> Man: 'I'm
> Jewish.'
>
> Priest: 'Why are
> you telling me all this?'
>
> Man: 'I'm 92
> years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Brothel Trip
>
> An elderly man goes
> into a brothel and tells the madam he
> would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks
> at the
> ancient
> man and asks how old he is.
>
> 'I'm 90 years
> old,' he says.
>
> '90!' replies
> the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
> it?'
>
> 'Oh, sorry,'
> says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Senility
>
> An elderly man went to
> his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
> getting senile. Several times lately, I have
> forgotten to zip up.'
>
> 'That's not
> senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when
> you
> forget to zip down.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Pest Control
>
>
> A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
> from
> a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on
> in the
> bedroom together when her husband arrived home
> unexpectedly.
>
> 'Quick,' said
> the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and
> she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
>
> The husband, however,
> became suspicious and after a search of
> the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
>
> 'Who are you?'
> he asked him.
>
> 'I'm an
> inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
>
> 'What are you
> doing in there?' the husband asked.
>
> 'I'm
> investigating a complaint about an infestation of
> moths,'
> the man replied.
>
> 'And where are
> your
> clothes?' asked the husband.
>
> The man looked down at
> himself and said, 'Those little
> bastards!'
>
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